Whether you are divorcing, separating, or have never lived with your other parent, here are some tips that might help your children deal with parents apart:
DO:
- Put your children’s welfare ahead of your own conflict with the other parent
- Attempt Mediation
- See the other parent as your “business partner” engaged in the most important business there is – raising healthy children
- Understand that two parents living apart will not see their children as often as two parents living in the same house
- Understand that two parents living apart will have more living expenses than two parents living in the same house
- Realize that time with children and financial support are two distinct separate issues and one has NO legal bearing on the other
- Realize that typically one parent will believe that the other has a disproportionate share of the children’s time and that one parent will believe that the other has a disproportionate share of the disposable income
- Let the children know that the parents’ split is NOT their fault
- Consider a shared parenting plan tailor-made for your own family
- Consider sharing holidays rather than alternating them
- Be sensitive to the children’s needs as well as your own
- Plan and consult with the other parent in advance for sharing time with the children
- Show respect for the other parent as a parent
- Observe time schedules for the children
- Call the other parent when occasionally tardy for a good reason
- Be flexible with the children’s time with the other parent
- Do whatever is necessary to resolve the angry feelings you may have for the other parent (counseling?)
- Communicate with the other parent frequently concerning the children’s issues
- Present a united front to the children when handling problems
- Listen quietly when the children want to express thoughts and concerns without trying to fix all their problems
- Recognize that the children will feel powerless, helpless and insecure at times and may exhibit regressive behaviors
- Take the children for psychological help and counseling if their adjustment to the changed living situation seems problematic
- Tell the children as often as necessary that they are loved and that they are not getting divorced or separated from their parents
- Assure the children that it is still more than alright with you that they love the other parent, look forward to having time with the other parent and enjoy the things they do with the other parent
- Allow the children to telephone and text the other parent on a reasonable basis
- Encourage the children to remember occasions for the other parent (Mother’s/Father’s Day, parent’s birthday) and help them choose appropriate gifts
- Provide appropriate role modeling for the children
- Put your differences aside long enough to attend school conferences, open houses, assemblies and sporting events together
- List the other parent as emergency pick-up and contact person with school, daycare and babysitters
- Communicate with the other parent in a civil manner openly, honestly and regularly to avoid misunderstandings or prevent the children’s manipulation of both of you
- Plan together with the other parent and NOT through the children
- Understand that the most maladjusted children come from families who are still in high conflict and fighting the divorce wars years after the marriage terminates
- Spend time with caring friends in a supportive network so the children do not feel responsible for hearing your troubles
- Use all of your parenting time
- Read all you can on the subject of children, child development, parenting and how to be a good parent
- Involve yourself in the children’s activities and extracurricular events
- Actively participate in your children’s communities: clubs, groups, organizations, scouts, little league, library groups, PTA at school
- Consider joining single parent groups
- Develop common interests with the children – become part of their world and share that world with them. Read books together about their favorite subjects and interests
- Show interest in school work/homework/grade cards
- Use common sense
- Laugh when you can and try to keep a sense of humor
DO NOT:
- Make the children take sides
- Allow the children to feel responsible for the parents’ split
- Allow children to refuse to see the other parent (abuse should be reported to CSB)
- Allow teenagers to become too parental, or act as a “friend” to you
- Get the children caught in the middle
- Play the “I Spy” game on the children
- Use the children as messengers between parents
- Arrive late or skip parenting time with the children
- Make promises you can’t keep
- Fight or argue with the other parent in front of the children
- Discuss support or other adult matters in front of the children
- Make derogatory remarks about the other parent in front of the children
- Believe everything the children say about the other parent
- Use the children as pawns to “get even”
- Use the children as your confidants or best friends
- Give too much adult responsibility to children
- Make the children the center of arguments
- Split the children up from one another
- Introduce a new significant other to the children before a meaningful passage of time to heal
- Allow the children to observe you behaving sexually
- Allow the children to sleep in your bed with you (except rare exceptions)
- Move your residence more often than necessary
- Allow the children to have too much decision-making authority
- Overlook celebrations important to the children (birthdays, holidays, graduations, school plays, etc.)
- Out bid the other parent to buy the children’s affection
- Fail to discipline the children appropriately
- Over-schedule the children and fail to allow “at home” down time
- Make a mountain out of a molehill
THIS INFORMATION IS INTENDED TO BE A BRIEF OVERVIEW AND IS NOT INTENDED AS LEGAL ADVICE ON YOUR PARTICULAR CIRCUMSTANCES. IT IS ONLY INTENDED TO ASSIST YOU IN UNDERSTANDING THE PROCESS.
IF YOU SHOULD HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO CONTACT THE OFFICE TO SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT – 330-996-4099.
