Although divorce isn’t about who “wins” or “loses,” when you’re divorcing a narcissist, it’s a “win at all costs” game to them. If you are parting ways with a spouse who has narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies, you should be prepared for a considerable amount of conflict, and potentially, legal fees as they will typically make the divorce process more challenging. By taking measures to protect your legal rights, financial interests, and emotional wellbeing from the beginning, you can navigate the complexities involved in your case much more smoothly.
Here are some tips on how to get through a divorce with a narcissist:
Understand What a Narcissist Is
To determine whether you’re divorcing a narcissist, it’s essential to understand the characteristics of this personality type. A narcissist is typically defined as someone with an inflated sense of self-importance and an excessive need for admiration. They also have a lack of empathy for others and use exploitative behavior to achieve personal gain. They also have an inability, or extreme difficulty, in seeing things from another’s perspective. In divorce, a narcissist will typically be unreasonable and unwilling to compromise — and litigation may be your only option.
Work with an Attorney Who Has Experience with High Conflict Cases
Divorce with a narcissist is very different from a typical divorce. Individuals with this personality disorder are highly manipulative. They will often twist narratives and attempt to control the legal proceedings for their own advantage. Narcissistic spouses are also much more likely to engage in aggressive tactics, refuse to cooperate, and draw out the divorce due to their high conflict behavior.
No-fault divorce, mediation, and other forms of alternative dispute resolution are usually not viable options when divorcing a narcissist. You can usually expect that your case will proceed through the litigation process to trial. It’s important to work with an attorney who has experience handling cases involving these personality types and can develop a proactive strategy. An attorney who understands narcissistic divorce and know how to navigate the discovery process effectively, compels your spouse to provide withheld information, and ensures that your spouse faces consequences if they fail to follow court orders.
Document Everything
The more evidence you have when divorcing a narcissist, the better. Critically, narcissists have no problem lying and playing the victim. You should be sure to document all interactions with your spouse to have evidence to use in court when necessary. Crucial things to document in a divorce with a narcissist include the following:
- Communication — Maintain a log of all communications, including phone calls, emails, and texts. It’s best to limit your communications to writing in order to have an indisputable record of what transpired during the conversation.
- Financial records — A narcissist will typically manipulate or conceal financial information during divorce. Keep copies of all financial documents in your case. These can include bank and credit card statements, property deeds, tax returns, insurance policies, investment accounts, retirement accounts, tax returns, income statements, loan applications, and documentation of any other financial transactions during the marriage.
- Behavior and events — In cases involving children, record any instances of narcissistic behaviors, gaslighting, aggression, and attempts at control. You should also note the dates and times of any incidents of verbal, physical, or emotional abuse and manipulation.
- False accusations — A typical tactic used by narcissists is gaslighting. Keep a record of any false accusations and blame shifting by the narcissist.
It’s a good idea to store all documentation in a safe place and ensure your spouse does not have access. Never keep the evidence you’re collecting on a shared computer or any other device your spouse uses or can gain access. Don’t store things in your car if your spouse has keys.
Consider Hiring a Forensic Accountant
Although full financial disclosure is mandatory in divorce, narcissists often do not follow the rules or care about what is fair. They will often hide marital assets to minimize their net worth, evade child support, and prevent you from getting your fair share of the property division. They may transfer funds to friends or family, keep offshore accounts, and conceal assets in various other ways. In such instances, a forensic accountant can investigate financial discrepancies, identify hidden assets, and reveal your spouse’s wrongdoing.
Set Definitive Boundaries
Narcissists do not respect boundaries and it’s best to limit your communication. However, it may be difficult to minimize contact if you share parenting responsibilities, and it is best to use a parenting communication app. Regardless of whether your spouse tries to provoke you into an emotional reaction, define your boundaries and assert them confidently. Expect that your spouse will try to challenge your boundaries and be sure to remain consistent.
Prioritize Self-Care
Divorce with a narcissist can significantly impact your mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing — and it’s crucial to prioritize self-care. Whether it’s taking time out to exercise, meditate, read a book, or participate in a hobby, nurturing yourself during the divorce process can help you maintain a sense of clarity, regain your self-esteem, and allow you to begin healing. You might also consider seeking support from a therapist who focuses on helping victims of narcissistic abuse. Emotional support in these cases is nearly as critical as legal support in helping you process through and move forward after divorce.
Contact an Experienced Ohio Divorce and Family Law Attorney
If you are facing divorce with a narcissist, it’s vital to have an attorney by your side who is adept at handling high conflict cases. The legal team at Melissa Graham-Hurd and Associates, LLC is skilled at handling narcissistic divorce matters and will work appropriately to ensure your legal rights are protected every step of the way. From our office in Green, we work with clients in Summit and Stark Counties, Ohio. Schedule a consultation today to learn more about how we can help.
